MONOCHROMATICA CELEBRATES INDEPENDENCE DAY

Monday, July 3, 2000
That hulking hennaed beast in Buddy Holly glasses is coming back from her
vacation today. Now, a long time ago Tommy J and the Boyz decided that all
men were created equal. So why is it that my boss, the beast in question,
sees it as her inalienable right not just to assign me work, which I have
accepted as a necessary evil that leads to a paycheck, but also to assail me
continuously with "hilarious" tales of workplaces past as well as unsolicited
updates on her retarded existence.

I hold these truths to be self-evident: I don't care that Jimmy passed his
math test. If I cared, I would have asked. I don't care that she took a
minivan full of squealing pre-adolescents to a Blink 182 show -- I swear if I
hear that story one more time --

I heard somewhere I am free to go about my pursuit of happiness, so I called
in well, too sane from two days off to subject myself to the evil, necessary
though it may be.

By the way, shouldn't there be a law against having to work July 3rd if July
4th is a Tuesday? Or why can't we celebrate the Monday closest to July 4th
so that everyone can have a long weekend? We did it to Lincoln, George W, as
well as MLK, someone tell me what's so special about Independence Day?

Tuesday July 4, 2000

Independence Day, Independence Day, Independence Day. How will I celebrate
Independence Day?

Let's see. When in the course of human events I get a day off to celebrate
and honor my nation's birth as an entity independent from England, first, I
sleep late. Then I think about why I'm able to - because I got Thomas
Jefferson's email announcing that I could, inviting me to join him and the
other signers for cake in the third floor cafeteria?

No, they didn't have email back then. The Declaration of Independence was
designed using technologies becoming akin to whatever Neanderthals bought at
Cave Depot. Still, despite the fact that it's not interactive, or even
multimedia, a lot of people still seem to dig it. And it is on the Internet
now for your viewing pleasure:

http://lcweb2.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/rbpe:@field(DOCID+@lit(rbpe34604400))

What will I do to celebrate this groundbreaking, countrybirthing document
declaring my native country's independence?

I scratch my head; I recall the first few words of the Gettysburg Address and
realize I never learned how many years are in a score. I think:
Independence Day, Independence Day, Independence Day. What will I do to
celebrate Independence Day? And then it hits me. Celebrating Independence
Day in America means doing what everyone else does. There's this collective
peer pressure to go overeat outside, drink too much, and end the day by
standing pressed into a herd to view a pyrotechnical display. Nothing more
patriotic than being jostled around by sweaty strangers, I tell you. Then,
when you are trapped in holiday traffic on the way back from wherever you had
to go because you have to go somewhere for July 4 because that's what
everybody does, you can contemplate how truly independent you are, and how
truly independent all the people sitting around you are, as you inch your
ways back home to begin your hangovers.

What can I say? We're the greatest country in the world, right? Somebody
grab my feet. I wanna do a kegstand.